Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
