I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize