my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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