I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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