my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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