It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
