Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
