I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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