chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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