Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
