Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
