I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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