but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
