so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
