i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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