yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
