Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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