So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
