you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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