i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
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I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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