I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
