I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I love having hate sex.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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