I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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