if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
