So drunk its hurt
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
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She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
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YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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