Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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