the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
