look no pants
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
