buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
