haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
