Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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