I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
