This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
