Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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