Already got asked if we're dating
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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