we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
