And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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