Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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