Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
