somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Enjoy the penises
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
