I cockslap morals
I am midnight drunk by noon
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
