I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
