He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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