I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
