Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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