I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
