is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
