i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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