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Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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