If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
