You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
