Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
