Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
