my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
