If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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