Cold hands, warm shart.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize