I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
