I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
